Do I clap? Do I throw things? I never know what to do with the preseason. It's like catching a glimpse of your first boob as a youngster. You're excited to see it, but you don't know how to handle it.
But there's one thing I do know and that is that the Eagles are setting me up for disappointment. We saw it last year. Sam Bradford comes out slinging dong in Chip Kelly's high powered (4 play) offense putting up close to 40 points a game and finishing the worthy preseason at 3-1 with wins over the Colts, Ravens, and Packers. Great! Our offense looks unstoppable, let's ride this into Week 1 #SuperBowlBound. And then what happens? The Eagles become the Eagles. We ride into Atlanta Monday night with new trade acquisition Kiko Alonso who we only sacrificed our franchise's best RB Lesean McCoy for (Still cry my self to sleep at night over how easily Chip ruined this franchise). Kiko makes a big interception to get our hopes up, and then the Birds play like a big hot turd and lose game one, then let the Cowboys come into Philly and win week 2. So what do I see from the Eagles? We beat the Steelers last night so that means they have 5 weeks to figure us out and smoke us Week 3.
Everyone knows Super Bowl teams don't care about the preseason. That's why 9 of the last 21 Super Bowl champions have had 2-2 records and seven have had 1-3 records. Only two teams have won the SB after going 4-0 in the preseason. But one was the 2000 Ravens who had Ray Lewis eager to commit a murder on or off the field that year, and the other was the 2003 Patriots who had a team of 53 studs, one of which is a guy you might know- I think his name is Tom Brady or something.
So if I'm Dougy P, I tank the next two games. Make us fans angry at the team and expecting so little, so that you can come into the regular season and not lose to RGIII and the fucking Browns Week One*. Let me watch our new savior, Dorial Green-Beckham, go out there and snag TD's like Megatron 2.0 and please God let us do better than 7-9. If we're not making the playoffs then let's tank the season and draft Fournette. Wentz and Fournette for President 2020.
And if we're gonna be mediocre, then I'll be happy if I can get a Miracle at the Meadowlands Part 3 (Fuck I miss DJack).
*Seriously, if we lose to the Browns I'm going to seriously consider finding a new team
Haha fuck me no I'm not. I'm stuck here forever.